Terms of Use

Form DWA-TOU-001 (Rev. 2024) — Please read carefully or don't. We'll assume you did.

Effective DateJanuary 20, 2009

Last ReviewedApril 1, 2009

Approved ByB. Slydell

ClassificationBinding regardless

Section 1 — Acceptance of Terms

1.1

By accessing this website, viewing its contents, thinking about viewing its contents, or being in the same room as someone who has viewed its contents, you agree to these Terms of Use in their entirety, including sections that have not yet been written.

1.2

If you do not agree to these terms, you may close this browser tab. The Department notes that your browsing history has already been collected and your agreement is therefore implied.

1.3

These terms supersede all prior agreements, verbal understandings, employment contracts, and reasonable expectations.

Section 2 — Permitted Use

2.1

Users are permitted to access this website during non-work hours only. Accessing this website during work hours constitutes unauthorized use of company time and will be addressed per your employer's disciplinary procedure.

2.2

Users may share content from this website provided they do not share it with HR, their direct supervisor, their supervisor's supervisor, or anyone described in internal communications as “a key stakeholder.”

2.3

Printing materials for display in a breakroom, washroom, or warehouse is permitted andvencouraged. The Department assumes no responsibility.

Section 3 — Prohibited Activities

3.1

Users may not use this website to organize, unionize, collectively bargain, or engage in any activity that could be described by legal counsel as “concerted.” If you are unsure whether an activity qualifies, it probably does.

3.2

Users may not reproduce, distribute, or discuss wage information with coworkers. The Department acknowledges this right is protected by law.

3.3

Users may not file complaints in reference to this website. Any complaint referencing this website will be reviewed, acknowledged, and observed.

Section 4 — Limitation of Liability

4.1

The Department of Workplace Activities assumes no liability for emotional distress, existential dread, wage theft, unsafe working conditions, benefits erosion, wrongful termination, or the general experience of employment in America. These are considered known risks and were disclosed at orientation, which you attended but cannot prove.

4.2

The Department's total liability to any user under any circumstances shall not exceed the value of one (1) pizza and (1) liter of soda. Cost not to exceed $45.99 USD.

4.3

In jurisdictions where this limitation is not enforceable, the Department politely declines acceptance.

Section 5 — Privacy

5.1

The Department collects no personal data. This is because the Department already has it.

5.2

Any data voluntarily submitted via our webstite or Employee Happiness & Engagement Survey is considered property of the Dept. of Workplace Activities and may be processed, documented and publicly made available.

Section 6 — Amendments

6.1

The Department reserves the right to amend these terms at any time without notice, explanation, or the slightest acknowledgment that the previous version ever existed. Continued use of this website constitutes acceptance of whatever these terms currently say.

6.2

If you would like to be notified of changes, please complete Form WS-1042 and await processing.

Official Notice — Disclaimers & Notices

All content, statistics, forms, surveys, signage, quotes, and materials presented on this website are either works of satire or sourced from publicly available research, and are presented without shame because the people responsible for them have none. The Department of Workplace Activities is not affiliated with the U.S. Department of Labor or any U.S. Government entity. This website is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual government agencies, corporate leadership, human resources departments, or workplace incidents is intentional and constitutionally protected.

Form DWA-TOU-001 (Rev. 2026). This document was reviewed by fourteen lawyers, two HR consultants, and nobody who has ever worked for an hourly wage. It has been laminated and is considered official. Questions regarding these terms may be directed to the Office of Terms and Conditions, which does not have a phone number, email address, or physical location. Thank you for your compliance.

The Department of Workplace Activities is proudb to tell all billionares, corporate leadership and all members of the United States Congress to eat a shit sandwhich and go fuck themselves. These greedy fucks don't give a shit about you.

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